I wish…I wish I could go back to being a kid again.

I wish I could erase all the terrible events and memories.

I wish I were home, being a family with my two children.

I can’t rewrite the past.

I can only change who I am right now and hope that the next chapter of my life will be one of staying clean, enjoying life with my son and daughter, and maintaining serenity.

Disclaimer: Before you proceed to read this story, please be warned that you will not like this story.  Why?  We wouldn’t want you to “like” this story.  Michele is an inmate who has had a horrific past and what you will find here will be unsettling.  That is the reality.

Chapter 1 ~ Loss of Innocence

While friends were growing up with a mom and dad at home, my siblings and I lived with mom and whoever her “friend” was at the time. At eleven years old, I was molested by mom’s best friend. Looking back on things now, I believe that was the start of having self-esteem issues and being scared of older men.

By age 14, I began to experiment with boys, cigarettes, weed, and alcohol. My life was spinning out of control and I ended running away from home. The following year I was sexually active, began cutting, and got into fights. My brother, age 19, died from self-inflicted gun wounds. Not coping with life, I returned home and overdosed on pills. My mom wasn’t home much because of work. I was raped and soon discovered I was pregnant.

Chapter 2 ~ Taking Responsibility

I gave birth to a baby boy and was determined to be a good mom. I tried to return to school to get my diploma, but dropped out. It was hard to take care of my baby and be a student at the same time. I was in a relationship for a few years and gave birth to my sweet baby girl. I stayed relatively clean for a few years.

Chapter 3 ~ An All Time Low

Mom had moved to another state, and my brother and I followed. That’s where I started with coke. I went back to the town I grew up in to see a friend. I met someone who was behaving oddly, who later kidnapped me and almost beaten me to death. I quickly got addicted to the painkillers I was taking for my fractured skull. When the doctor could no longer prescribe the pills, I switched to heroin. I then packed up my kids and we headed back to live with my mom and addicted brother.

Life, if that’s what you call it, was horrible. To support our drug habit, my brother and I would steal from stores. We would dig through garbage for store receipts, go to the store and find an item that was on the receipt, and take it to customer service for a refund. Sometimes it worked, and sometimes it didn’t. We did this everyday for two years. We were so desperate for drug money that we took mom’s SSI checks and her pills.

We were behind in paying bills for months. We used electricity for just short amounts of time. We had no running water. I made my son go ask friends for water, so that we could wash up, cook, and have some to drink. The toilets were overflowing with feces and maggots. My brother’s room was strewn with needles.

Chapter 4 ~ Roller Coaster Ride

The next two years of my life felt like a roller coaster ride. I had gone through a few detoxes. I relapsed again, overdosed once more, and passed out in front of my kids. I was even thought to be dead for a short while. I also became Hep C positive.

My son went to live with a relative. I moved back to my hometown with my daughter. I went to a rehab and was given an opium blocker to help with the withdrawals. But then, I discovered crack. Once again my life was crumbling. My daughter was taken away from me. Crack had control of me. I lost a lot of weight and didn’t care about eating. Using a stolen debit card, I spent $1,500 on crack in two days. I then was arrested and have been in and out of rehab, jail or prison ever since. The only thing calm in my life is talking with God. He helps me get by, day by day.

Chapter 5 ~ Framework for a New Chapter

While in prison, I need to get my GED so I can get a job when I’m out. I need to be strong, be able to trust myself, and be able to trust those who want to help me.

Life is short. Be careful of what you do. Even starting with weed, can lead to bigger drugs. Don’t ever give up. I need to take my own advice. I just want to focus on my goals: getting my children back, staying clean, and maintaining serenity. I’m hoping for the best when I get out.

~ Michele, age 29

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Note from Barbara:

The entire time that Michele told her story, there was no emotion. It was like she was just stating the facts of someone else’s life. Toward the end I asked her if she remembered any happy times growing up and she quickly responded, “The holidays, family getting together and also birthdays.” But no details, no real examples. I then asked, “When was the last time you felt happy about something, even if it was just a little thing?”  She answered, “Oh God, oh no…I don’t remember being happy. I can’t remember what being happy even feels like.”

I strongly encouraged her to focus on her goals and to make “being happy” a priority when she’s out of prison. I let her know that in spite of her upbringing and poor decisions made as an adult, she is worthy of happiness and worthy of a life that she’s proud of. I told her it’s not too late to start setting a positive example for her kids. When she left the classroom, she was okay. She was in class this past Monday and was her usual self. At the end of the class she whispered, “Thank you for asking about my story. Thank you for believing in me.”